This is Noel the morning of the day he died. He was so happy to have a chance to demolish the blackberry bushes that were choking the Snowball plant at Ed's place. He loved to work hard.

I've read that there isn't a lot written about the mourning process so I've decided to share mine. I loved Noel so much. He was a kind and generous man. He could fix and make anything. He was strong and smart and always had a new interesting project to share.

June 29, 2009. Monday morning. I said was getting back to life this morning almost three weeks since Noel died. I have a list and a schedule but I’ll take some time to sit and enjoy the back yard of Critter Crossing.

The baby deer is in the back yard. Mom must be over at Noel’s but I can’t see her. The sun is making first patterns on the grass and on the intricate patterns of the deer fence around the yellow dogwood that Noel bought me for a present a year ago. The baby dear is bouncing between Noels yard and mine. I read in the Olympian this morning that Miller Silvana park was built as a result of a stimulus package after the great depression. Now mom is in my yard and baby, oh!, one of the babies, is close to the house. It’s the twins who were born the day after Noel died! I named them Noel and Noel (boy and girl pronunciations) since they are Gemini like Noel. Miller Silvana has an old boy scout camp that can be rented. Noel suggested that Maitri and I investigate it for a possible art workshop site. Of course Noel would be back up guy, inventing ways to display art and transport materials. He would probably have had his boats over there to give free rides to workshop participants. So many things were possible with Noel. He did so much to support my crazy ideas. This new life is going to be quite an adjustment. Noel did most of the laundry. He didn’t fold clothes but it was such a loving thing for him to do for me that I happily wore my clothes wrinkled. What a lovely person. What a lovely life we had together.

Wednesday mourning, July 1, 2009

Not back to life yet. Life today means to me exercising with friends in the morning and painting in the afternoon, but there is still a lot to do about Noel leaving. I think (I know now not to know for sure what I will do) I am going to clear the table off of Noel’s memorabilia and throw out the flowers that are dead.

The flowers. So many flowers have come and they are beautiful. At first I didn’t like that they came because it made it seem that all of this was real. Then I loved them and took pleasure in taking care of them each day. Now since we have had the memorial. I have been letting the remaining flowers die in their own time. It seems fitting and somewhat comforting. I’m going to start throwing the dead and almost dead ones away today.

Sleeping. I slept fine until the last two nights. Now I’m awake at 1 am for an hour or more. I’ve been reading but maybe I could write a few things at that time. Then I wake again about 4 then at 7. I’m used to waking up about 5:30 so I feel like I’ve lost some of my morning.

Is it true that “This too will pass”?

Friday July 3,

I have things I need to do but all I really want to do is whatever relates to Noel, cleaning his house, writing about him, looking at his pictures, having more pictures of him printed. I have been going swimming which feels good. So I'll do a little more each day. It's important to me to take whatever life I have left and make it meaningful. Many thanks to all my friends and family who have surrounded me with their love and their love for Noel.