The Humming Bird

"The first holiday is the toughest." "The holidays are hard." I didn't believe them but it is true. I feel Noel, I think I see him, I talk to him. Sorrow is present but the hummingbird tells me that joy is the reflection of sorrow. The deeper the sorrow the greater the joy.

Six months since Noel Died

How am I doing? My friends say they are amazed at how well I am doing. This is the way it is: I feel that everything in life has had the volume turned up. When I see a flower in bloom I am overwhelmed with that beauty, when someone is sad I am right there with them. When I am thankful I feel it to the core of my being. Life doesn't last forever. No time to waste. I have paintings to do, stories to tell and people to love. I still love Noel so much. I carry that love in my heart and have a good memory when I need to. I remember last Spring when Noel called me from a hundred feet up in a tree. He said, Karen, we have water view property!

Projects after Noel

Noel did just about everything that needed to be done outside so now I do it or find help. I decided to fill and use the hot tub this year so I scrubbed it out filled it and plugged it in. It didn't work. I turned the breaker on, I pushed the two reset buttons, still nothing. Two friends looked at it. It still didn't work. The reset button on the plug didn't click so we all suspected it but there was no obvious way to open it up. So I called the Spa guy. Two weeks later and after two visits from the Spa guy it is fixed. The cord replaced. I imagine that Noel could have fixed that plug since he could and did fix any and everything. So I had to drain the tub. I found a short hose but decided I was not going to suck on it to get the syphon going. What to do? I channeled Noel. First I tried the pump from the therapy ball. No, the attachment was too small and besides I wanted to suck air out rather than push air in. Then I thought "vacuum cleaner". The hose was just the right size and the air sucked out quickly and water flowed out! Noel would have been proud!

I found this beautiful slug floating in the water. It looked alive as I set it up for the photo but no it is just well preserved. Better preservation through chemicals.

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget I'm missing Noel. Life seems like it did before and I'm happy and content. Then I realize I'm not thinking about Noel being gone and a big wave of sadness comes my way. If there hadn't been love the sadness wouldn't be there so the sadness is a good thing. Being human isn't easy but I did a painting full force and had a wonderful weekend on the Oregon Coast before I realized where and who I was. It's a process.

Holding On

When Noel died I didn't hold on to him. I felt certain that he wanted me to let him go. Now I finally come out of a tunnel I have been in and begin to paint and I see, deep down from where paintings come from, me, holding on to him, with the biggest arm and hand I can imagine.

My desire now for the last third of my life is to live with an untroubled (although it will be sad some of the time) heart.
Remembering my life with Noel always helps.

Love Grows

Stories about Noel continue and grow as does my love for him. It's amazing that love can actually grow for someone after they die. I'm listening to Buckwheat Zydaco's new CD Lay Your Burden Down. I'm holding Amelie and being with Joy and Rich and two year old Evan. I'm talking with friends each day, I'm exercising everyday. I'm hugging Noel's clothes, I'm sad but not unhappy.

Lilies

It has been a month since Noel died. I still recount the circumstances of his death often to myself. I even have found myself imagining that I died just like Noel by slumping over in the chair on the deck. I'm so glad I was right there with him for many reasons. Only one of which is that I know for certain that he did die and he died very quickly.

Here are some lilies blooming in my garden just off the deck. This is the first year for them. I remembered that Willow had planted them for me but I had blocked out until yesterday that they were a present from Noel.

When I remembered I asked Willow if that was true and she said yes! What a wonderful gift from Noel. They are the most beautiful lilies I have ever seen and there are so many. Such sweetness came from that man.